We're taking the kids to their first fireworks tonight, and I know she would have loved it so much. She loved her grandkids so much. I wish she had experienced a Fourth with them. She did, last year, but we didn't do anything special. Of course, I have regrets. I know we cannot live our lives as if we were going to die the next day, but I do wish I had done some things differently. It comes with the territory...
She posted this collage on Facebook in 2010, with this caption:
CELEBRATING MY AMERICAN FLAG:
From a picture of my 18 years old in France until today in America,
From all pictures taken from Grand Canyon to Yellowstone,
From Montana to Florida,
From a little town to Washington DC,
... From Cheyenne Frontier Days to Caroline's Western Art Show in Las Vegas,
From Glacier to Sequoia,
From the Appalachians to the Rocky Mountains,
From Alaska to Louisiana,
From San-Francisco to New-York,
From my mind to my heart,
From Christine to Wyoming,
From my hopes to my dreams,
I LOVE YOU MY AMERICA!!!!!
From a picture of my 18 years old in France until today in America,
From all pictures taken from Grand Canyon to Yellowstone,
From Montana to Florida,
From a little town to Washington DC,
... From Cheyenne Frontier Days to Caroline's Western Art Show in Las Vegas,
From Glacier to Sequoia,
From the Appalachians to the Rocky Mountains,
From Alaska to Louisiana,
From San-Francisco to New-York,
From my mind to my heart,
From Christine to Wyoming,
From my hopes to my dreams,
I LOVE YOU MY AMERICA!!!!!
Jocelyne (her older sister) got my package today. I had sent her photos of my trip to Wyoming and the printed story, as well as the poem. She sent me a text mentioning how it was such a symbol to have received today, on July 4. Reading me made her cry she said.
Caprissa commented the other day on my Wyoming post (via Facebook): "Thank you so much for sharing this. I admire your dedication to your mom, and just as important your desire to help us all heal from your moms passing. You are an amazing woman."
I am not reposting to wallow in self glory, I just think this woman gets me, and she always has the right words. I don't know exactly what drives me when it comes to honring my mom's memory, but part of it is indeed to help others heal, especially her family.
It is also love, a tiny bit of guilt and regret, admiration for her, missing her, wanting to be with her by telling her stories.
I understand people wanting to talk to the dead, even though that is not something I would ever attempt, knowing it is from the devil. But this feeling of wanting to ask one more question or talk like we used to is nagging. When she was alive, I sometimes got weary of talking with her; I would listen with only one ear sometimes... here we go again with regrets.
I didn't mean this post to be so gloomy. I have all kinds of thoughts, all the time, but I never get to write them. So I just let it flow, and it happened to be a bit sad. It's more about me than her right now.
If she was here, she would be dressing up for the night. She would put on everything she owns with an American flag on it. She would braid her hair the amazing way she knew how to do it and spray it with hairspray. She would have her blue make up on and her eyes would sparkle. She would look amazing. She'd be after the kids, telling them how exciting the night would be!
As for me, I will wear her Wyoming T-shirt with a moose silhouette in an American flag, and her earrings: one is blue with stars, the other has red and white stripes.
Happy Fourth Mom!
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